Relationship Anarchy: What It Is and What It Is Not
Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships where the people involved decide what each connection actually includes, instead of following default rules for what a partner, a friend, or a date is supposed to be. The word “anarchy” throws people off. In practice, relationship anarchy puts conversation at the heart of every relationship, not just when there is a problem to solve. [1]
The idea took shape in queer and countercultural communities. [2] Many LGBTQIA+ people recognize its core claim right away. A relationship does not need a conventional label to be real. [1]
If you’re sorting through relationship questions alongside anxiety, trauma, or substance use, Element Q offers queer-affirming mental health treatment in San Diego with an all-LGBTQIA+ clinical team.
Need to Know
- Relationship anarchy means designing each relationship on its own terms rather than by category.
- It can look monogamous or non-monogamous. The structure is chosen, not assumed.
- The one thing it rejects is making rules about what a partner does in relationships you are not part of.
- It grew out of queer communities and questions the idea that romantic couples automatically outrank friendships.
- An affirming therapist can help when stigma, jealousy, or communication strain start to weigh on you.
Where does relationship anarchy come from?
Relationship anarchy is most closely associated with Andie Nordgren, who published a short manifesto in Swedish in 2006 and later adapted it into English. [1] Philosophers Ole Martin Moen and Aleksander Sørlie put Nordgren’s core commitment plainly. Don’t define relationships by trying to exercise power over each other. [2]
The ideas developed in queer and countercultural communities over roughly two decades. [2] Part of the motivation was frustration with polyamory circles where, in Nordgren’s experience, the rules partners placed on each other could feel just as controlling as monogamy, only with more people involved. [2]
What are the core principles of relationship anarchy?
Nordgren’s manifesto lays out nine short principles. A few of them carry most of the weight. [1]
- Love is abundant. Caring about one person does not shrink what you have for another.
- Every relationship is unique. No one needs to be labeled “primary” for the relationship to count.
- Respect instead of entitlement. Shared history or strong feelings do not give you the right to control a partner.
- Customize your commitments. Commitment is expected. The shape of it is yours to design.
- Communicate as a habit, not only in a crisis. Stepping outside the script only works if people say what they actually want.
What does relationship anarchy look like in everyday life?
One tool people use is what’s called the relationship anarchy smorgasbord. [2] It’s a chart of things a relationship might include. Emotional support. Cuddling. Shared finances. Caregiving. Raising kids together. You pick what fits your connection and leave the rest.
That produces relationships that can look very different from each other. Moen and Sørlie offer examples like these. [2]
- A long-term partnership with a shared home and finances, where one or both people pursue physical intimacy elsewhere
- A romantic relationship that lasts decades without the two people ever moving in together
- Two neighbors who meet to cuddle, with no expectation that it should turn into something else
- A deliberately chosen relationship with one sexual and romantic partner, including raising children together
The last example matters. Choosing one partner is fully compatible with relationship anarchy. What it questions is requiring it of someone else. [2]
What relationship anarchy is not
Most confusion about relationship anarchy comes from the word itself. These are the misreadings that come up most often.
Myth: Anything goes. Moen and Sørlie call that view relationship nihilism and are clear it is not relationship anarchy. Not controlling other people is itself a firm rule. [2]
Myth: It means never committing. Nordgren writes that life would have little structure without building things with other people, and that the point is to design your own commitments. [1]
Myth: If everyone agrees, it’s fine. Agreement from everyone involved is necessary, but Moen and Sørlie argue it is not sufficient, since people can agree to things under pressure or dependency. [2]
Myth: It’s just polyamory with fewer rules. Relationship anarchy has its own specific position on hierarchy, covered next.
How is relationship anarchy different from polyamory?
Polyamory means having emotional and often sexual relationships with more than one person at the same time. [3] Relationship anarchy agrees with polyamory that a romantic relationship does not have to be limited to two people. [2]
The split is over hierarchy. In a 2022 Frontiers in Psychology study of 596 non-monogamous adults, 73% described their relationships using a primary/secondary model where one partner holds higher status, and that was true for 61% of polyamorous respondents specifically. [3] Relationship anarchists reject ranking partners that way, along with “polyfidelity” arrangements where a group agrees that no member may date outside it. [2]
Relationship anarchy also does not require non-monogamy at all. Someone can be a relationship anarchist with one partner or with several. [2]
Why does relationship anarchy resonate in LGBTQIA+ communities?
Queer people have long built chosen family and close relationships outside the expected script, often because the script excluded them. Relationship anarchy puts language to that experience.
Researcher Roma De las Heras Gómez, writing in Sociological Research Online from a queer feminist perspective, argues that relationship anarchy pushes back on a set of linked hierarchies. [4] There’s amatonormativity, the assumption that a romantic couple is the most important bond a person can have. There’s sex-centrism. There’s couple privilege. Those are the same assumptions many LGBTQIA+ people have already been told their relationships fail to meet.
Nordgren names this directly, noting that a powerful normative system dictates what “real love” is and that many people will question the validity of your relationships when you step outside it. [1] For a lot of queer folx, that is a familiar experience long before they hear the term.
When do relationship structure questions connect to mental health support?
Relationship anarchy asks a lot of people emotionally. Jealousy does not disappear because you have decided not to act on it, and Moen and Sørlie are clear that it is a real emotion that hurts. [2] Constant explicit communication is also work, especially for people who learned early to read between the lines instead of asking.
Stigma adds another layer. Being told your relationships are not real, or having to justify them to a provider, is its own kind of stress.
Structured support can help when any of that starts spilling into daily life, whether it shows up as anxiety, depression, trauma responses, or substance use as a way to cope. Element Q’s LGBTQIA+ trauma-focused treatment in San Diego is built around a clinical team that will not treat your relationship structure as something to fix. PHP and IOP programs offer that support while you stay in your daily life.
How Element Q Can Help
At Element Q, our clinical team is made up of LGBTQIA+ community members, so you will not have to explain what relationship anarchy is or defend how your relationships are set up before anyone takes you seriously. We already know the terrain, because many of us live in it.
Whether jealousy, stigma, or the emotional labor of non-normative relationships has started showing up as anxiety, depression, or substance use, our PHP and IOP programs offer structured, affirming treatment that fits around the relationships you actually have.
Contact our compassionate admissions team at 858-422-1860 or verify your insurance to get started.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are some examples of relationship anarchy?
Examples include a couple who share a home and finances while one or both have other intimate relationships. Or a decades-long romance between people who never live together. Or a close friendship that includes physical affection. It can also look like a chosen, committed two-person relationship. What makes any of these relationship anarchy is that the people involved designed the terms themselves.
What is the difference between relationship anarchy and polyamory?
Polyamory is a relationship practice. It means having more than one emotional or sexual relationship at the same time. Relationship anarchy is a philosophy about how relationships are structured. Ranking partners as primary and secondary is out. So is making rules about what a partner may do in relationships you’re not part of. A person can be both, or can be a relationship anarchist with one partner.
What is a polyamorous person?
A polyamorous person has, or is open to having, romantic and often sexual relationships with more than one person at the same time, with everyone involved aware of the arrangement. Researchers typically distinguish polyamory from swinging and open relationships by its emphasis on emotional connection with multiple partners.
How do I know if I'm polyamorous?
There is no test. Some people notice they can feel deep romantic love for more than one person at once, or that exclusivity has felt more like a rule to follow than a preference. Reading about different relationship structures helps. So does talking with people who practice them. So does working with an affirming therapist. Together, they can help you sort out what you actually want. Wanting to explore does not obligate you to anything.
Can you practice relationship anarchy and still be monogamous?
Yes. Relationship anarchy is compatible with choosing one sexual and romantic partner. The difference is that the choice gets made deliberately by both people, not assumed. And neither person requires it of the other as a condition of staying together.
Sources
[1] Nordgren, A. (2006). The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy. The Anarchist Library.
[2] Moen, O. M., & Sørlie, A. (2022). The ethics of relationship anarchy. In B. D. Earp, C. Chambers, & L. Watson (Eds.), The Routledge handbook of philosophy of sex and sexuality. Routledge.
[3] Kelberga, A., & Martinsone, B. (2022). Motivation of non-monogamous adults to engage in sex with their different partners. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 961949.
[4] De las Heras Gómez, R. (2019). Thinking relationship anarchy from a queer feminist approach. Sociological Research Online, 24(4), 644–660.
